Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Mommy's Tears and a Daughters Lows

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm wiping tears from my eyes. I have the mommy lows. The past couple of days has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me again. Madison's blood sugar keeps dropping which probably means she's coming down with something. And it makes me super angry that we have to feed her disease in order to bring her blood sugar back up. She's not running. She's not playing. It just keeps dropping.

But Madison's type 1 diabetic lows aren't what's making me have the mommy lows right now. It's actually preparing for the JDRF Walk for a Cure which is April 27, 2013. I don't want to walk. I actually want to run in the complete opposite direction. This SUCKS! I know I've said it a zillion times over the past seventeen months, but I have to keep saying it so I can get through this disease. I need others to know that this disease really SUCKS! And I need others to say, "We're with you through this." But instead, I feel alone. So I'm writing to let it all out, hoping that I can get through my daughters second walk.

My mommy low dropped big time on Tuesday night, when my husband asked me to send out a reminder email to friends and family about the walk (which I had put off for weeks and if you know me, this is not normal for me). I got comfortable in front of my computer and logged into Madison's Meter Patrol JDRF Walk page. As soon as the page was visible, my mouth frowned and eyes became heavy and heart felt as if someone was squeezing it. Within milliseconds, I started to go through that dreadful mourning phase that I went through when she was first diagnosed on November 4, 2011. I got angry. Then I got sad. Then I was okay with her having it. Then I got angry again. Then I got angry at my husband for suggesting that I send a reminder. Then I snapped at him. And then I felt awful for snapping at him. This emotional roller coaster hasn't stopped since Tuesday.

I keep waiting for the day when I will truly be okay with her having this disease. But I'm not. I'm still mad. I'm still confused with why she has it. And I'm burnt out thinking and worrying about it every second of every day. I want everything to go back to the way it was seventeen months ago. I want my little girl healthy. And I want peace of mind.

A mommy who prays for a CURE for type 1 diabetes!


Meri said...

I want you to know that this is normal. Walks do this to me, and many of my friends every year. I'm 15 years in and the walks still make me emotional, and even angry. In fact, just recently I took a break from the walks for a few years because the emotions upset me so.

I know this isn't super positive or anything, but it always helps me to know that I'm not alone in all this. Your feelings? <--- Validated! Hugs!

Melissa Perry Moraja said...

I wish I didn't feel this way. I feel so guilty not wanting to walk. I've even prayed for it to rain and thunder and lightning so I don't have to face the reality. I don't know how other people do it for Breast Cancer and other diseases. God bless them all. And thank you so much for the hugs and validation! I'm so glad we've connected!

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Hallie Addington said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog! Hang in there... Like Meri said, this is normal. Tomorrow (your walk day) marks four years with this disease. Sometimes I'm cool with it. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm mad. Sometimes I'm just numb. This is a marathon- not a race. Just be kind to yourself and let yourself feel how you feel. I know it sucks. And it's not at all fair in any way. Hang in there, Mama. You are not alone.

Bree Mobley said...

You and your little girl are very strong. Diabetes runs in my family, I can only hope my little one doesn't have it. I'm positive that soon they'll have a cure for it, however. You just have to keep your head up. It's a difficult disease that completely alters the way that one lives, but you just have to keep on and remember that you have family and friends there to support you and go through it with you and your little one.

Melissa Perry Moraja said...

Thanks Bree! It really has been an emotional journey that has brought my family and friends closer together. I pray for a cure every day and hope your little one stays healthy and type 1 diabetes free! xo

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